Often it can be upsetting to see children facing frustration or sadness, and it can be tempting to simply solve or prevent a child's problem rather than truly listening to their concerns. Below we explore the importance of validating children's emotions and facing challenges.
What is validation?
Validation is the recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile. When we recognize an individual's emotions and don't try to immediately solve the problem for them, it helps them feel that their emotions are valid and doesn't minimize their experience.
How can we validate?
Label the child's body movements
ex: You're stomping your feet, your face is red, and you threw a toy.
Label the child's feelings
ex: You seem mad.
Empathize with the child
ex: It can be really hard to clean up when we're doing something fun. You wish you could keep playing with your toys.
Why is validation important?
Validation provides a way for children to feel understood and can often help lessen power struggles. Providing choices for your child can give them a sense of control. Additionally, when we validate children's emotions, it helps build their self-esteem and their vocabulary of their feelings. For example, asking "Would you like me to sit with you or give you space?", "Would you like to clean up the red legos or the blue?" or "Would you like me to help you clean up or would you like to clean up yourself?".
Validation vs Expectations
Validating a child's experience does not mean you take away the expectations that are causing them to feel mad or sad. For example, you can empathize with the child and provide options, but the options will not include letting go of the expectation altogether. If we remove the trigger or limit, that does not help teach the child to cope. If we set harsh, unchangeable limits, we can cause damage to our relationship with the child and they may feel powerless and misunderstood. Validation can help bridge the gap between letting go of the expectation or enforcing the expectation by providing small moments of control.
I don't want my kids to avoid fires. I want kids who know that they are fireproof and can do hard things. -Glennon Doyle
Temptation to rescue
We can often feel tempted to save children from feeling big feelings. This can be especially true for caregivers of children with ASD because their responses to big emotions can lead to tantrums or self-injurious behaviors. We often want to rescue children rather than be with them while they work through big emotions. It is important to help them cope with big emotions rather than prevent these situations because many situations will occur that we cannot change or protect them from. When we help them face challenges, we increase their tolerance and skill set so they are prepared to cope with a variety of future situations!
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