Self-regulation is a better predictor of academic success than IQ scores, and without the development of self-regulation, empathy can't develop. -Conscious Discipline
Regulation
When you think of regulation, you might immediately think of a young child who is struggling to cope with big emotions. Regulation is often challenging for young children, and especially for individuals on the Autism spectrum. The most important thing we can do for the children we work with is to ensure that they feel safe to express big emotions, and to keep ourselves regulated in the process.
Reacting vs Responding
Children learn through social learning/observation of others, which means how we respond to them will teach them how to respond to their emotions. When we are helping a child to learn regulation, it can be hard to keep ourselves regulated. As parents, caregivers, therapists, or teachers we may reach our breaking point and react to the child, rather than respond consciously. When we react to a situation, we may yell and revert back to how we were disciplined as a child. When we respond, we are able to remain calm and remember that the child is not trying to frustrate us, they are trying to cope with their own emotions.
Mutual Regulation
Mutual regulation or co-regulation is necessary before an individual is able to self-regulate. Mutual regulation often emerges between a mother and infant, and typically looks like the mother responding to the child's emotions and helping them to cope. As children grow, they begin to gain the ability to utilize their internal coping skills independently, with less need for support from caregivers.
Regulation in Adults
Typically as adults we are able to better regulate ourselves than the little ones we help, but at times we can all use a little help. When working with children who have higher emotional needs, it can be especially challenging for caregivers to cope. Below are 3 tips to support our own regulation:
Pause. If you feel yourself becoming too dysregulated, you will not be able to support your child's regulation. If possible and safe, close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, or leave the room for a moment. Typically after a moment or two you will be able to utilize the problem-solving frontal lobes of your brain, and access your better judgement. Additionally, when you return you may have more capacity to hold space for their big emotions, and not feel anxious to provide a solution.
Think longterm. It is important to try not to say or do anything that could harm your relationship with your child in the longterm. For example, if you do not think through your word choice, you may say something hurtful. Additionally, if you react by giving in to your child if they are tantruming when you set a limit, you could actually reinforce their behavior and make it harder for them to cope with limits in the future. A quick fix for now may make things harder later.
Strategize. When you are calm, you can start to set up rituals and language so they are in place when you need them. For example, you can work with your child to set up a Safe Spot in your home that they can go to the next time they are feeling a big emotion. This will help guide your interaction by giving you a plan for a safe space where you can work through their emotions together.
Regulation in Children
Below are 3 tips to support regulation in children based on Conscious Discipline. While these tools are guided towards children, the basic principles will work for individuals of any age!
Label. Children often have difficulty recognizing their emotions, so it can be helpful to label what you are observing in a calm, objective way.
2. Breathe. Conscious Discipline does a great job of providing structured breathing guides to help children engage in deep breaths. (see visual below)
3. Try Again. After the child is able to calm down using one of the above strategies, it is important to help them return to the initial trigger. For example, if the child became frustrated about having to clean up their toys, you can help them return to that situation now that they are calm. It can even serve as an opportunity to work together to clean up. This helps teach them that they are safe to express their emotions, but that the safe spot is not an escape from their tasks.
I hope you have found this post helpful and it inspired you to start the week in a positive way!
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